I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
