careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
