i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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