I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Randomize
