so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
