omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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