I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
