i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
