he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
