Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize