apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
