I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
