I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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