he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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