I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
