so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Oh god it's open bar.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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