Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
