checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
