My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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