We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
