There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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