I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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