you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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