Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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