Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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