We won't sleep together?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
