I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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