Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
