Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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