I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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