I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You are the jesus of drinking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
