The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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