You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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