How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
