apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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