Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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