I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
