In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
