it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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