I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize