I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
