Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
