OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
