and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
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She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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