So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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