I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
