If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
