i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
