She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
