i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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