Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
