Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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