Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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