everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
