my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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