Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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