My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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