If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
