I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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