my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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